Feeling nothing, like nothing

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling nothing and it’s gone worse recently.

Arguments and stupid fights everywhere I go and with almost everyone I turn to.. which is just sad and very painful especially when it has to do with people I love and I care about. If it was a normal ‘hello’ friend of just someone I met only a couple of times, then I couldn’t care less, but them? The ones who know me best? I hate arguing with them. I’ve kept quiet many times just because I don’t want the situation to get worse, but sometimes I explode. I gave up on the way I used to be and that’s very important. I don’t want to hear ‘thanks’ and all kind of words which are meant to make me feel better. I just want to feel that I’m understood and appreciated. I should not be a hypocrite and say that thank God, I do feel that way most of the time, but what about the other times? I don’t. I feel nothing, feeling like nothing.

I don’t usually write about this because I always seem like the strong, wise and positive person (and yes, I am one) but I do break down too. I’m a human, believe it or not. I do get hurt too. Most of all now, that I feel so vulnerable. I do feel vulnerable. Why?

I’ll tell you why. Because I’m always studying, not getting enough sleep and I’m trying to please my loved ones, even though that way sometimes I’m getting hurt myself. And it does happen.. a lot lately.

On top of all, it’s never enough. Or at least it seems like it. It seems like what I do is never good enough and never be at their level, despite the fact that I know myself and who I am really well and I know what I can do and what not.

I can’t take things anymore. This ‘perfect’ girl needs a break. This ‘perfect’ girl doesn’t need so much stress anymore. She has to concentrate on her exams which are coming soon. She has to concentrate on many things. She shouldn’t be unhappy. She deserves the opposite.

Don’t think I’m complaining. No, I’m not. Moreover, I don’t think that I’ve ever complained about this because no one ever knew about this. I don’t really talk about this ’cause I’m scared. I’m scared to talk to my bestest friend, who’s mummy of course, because I’m scared of telling her things that will upset her. And the other loved ones? They have their problems, why would I tell them mine too.

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